Saturday morning I heard the car start and drive away and there was my eager sister in her football jersey. My heart stopped, flittered and restarted,...fast. “You ready `cause I sure am?” She pulled back the covers and squealed. “Oh damn. It’s beautiful. How’d you ever grow such a monster? Lord, I’ve never seen anything like it. How big is it?” I rolled over and hurried to the bathroom and pissed, relieving the pressure. When I got back, she was lying on my bed, smiling. “Come on, big boy, come. That was until she pushed down and let rip a big fart on me!I had never smelt a smell so bad before, like a thousand corpses rotting in the sun. I struggled to breath as the powerful eggy sulphorous odour of her fart smothered to oxygen from what little air there was under there.I panicked, kicking me legs helplessly about trying real hard to turn my face away from her smelly butt just to breathe, but she stayed firmly sat on me, keeping my nose embedded into her now extremely stinky. . never mind.” Simon flushed the most beautiful red, as he dropped his eyes and mumbled. I could only wonder what he didn’t want to tell me.“Can I play your play station, sometime? With Roddy?”“Yeah, that would be fun.” Just then, the other choristers began to tumble in. We had begun Advent just that Sunday, and the pressure was on for lessons and carols on Christmas eve, perhaps the most important date in the Cathedral’s year, especially as this year the BBC was broadcasting the service. As if it had a mind of its own, my handreached up and rubbed her cheek. It felt greasy. I looked down at myhand and saw the tips of my tiny fingers were smeared with pressedpowder and blush, mixed in with a healthy dose of nervous sweat.Since that day, a lot of people have asked me about that moment. I liketo think that I have a well rounded vocabulary, but I've never reallybeen able to do it justice. The best I've ever come up with is this; itwas like looking at myself wearing an extremely.
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